Gus was relieved but not surprised when the “true bill” verdict was handed down. There was no way it was going to come back any other way, but his nerves hadn’t let him rest at all since the whole thing had started. His witnesses waved their goodbyes and went their separate ways, but Gus lingered for a moment in the court room. He ran through the day in his head. All things considered, it had been a good first step back into the ring.
With a deep breath, he stepped out into the hall. His phone buzzed in his pocket—must be Theo wondering where he was. He answered the phone and lodged it between his ear and shoulder as he rummaged through his bag. “Hey, buddy, I’m on my way out over.”
“Hello, Augustus. It’s me.”
Gus’ heart stopped. The phone clattered to the ground, followed shortly by his keys. Looking around to make sure no one was laughing at him, Gus bent down and picked up his things, straightened himself out, and brought the phone back to his ear.
“So sorry about that, Victoria. Got my hands full on the way out of the courtroom, you know how it goes.” The words fell out of him, uncomfortable, familiar, all swagger and no substance. Damn these old habits. He sighed. “I’m surprised to hear your voice.”
She laughed. He could hear the nervousness in it. “Yeah, I…” A beat passed. “I just wanted to check in on Theo. See how he’s doing.”
Gus’ brow furrowed. “He’s fine. Seems to be enjoying his job. Just started, though, so there’s still time for shit to hit the fan.” He winced. “Ah, I didn’t mean—”
But it was too late. He heard Victoria sigh, saw her in his mind’s eye with her shoulders slumped and her face fallen. “Whatever, Augustus.”
Gus stepped onto the bus and waved at the driver before making his way to his seat. He kept his voice down. “I’m sorry, Victoria. I don’t know why I said it. He seems really happy. I’m really happy for him.” He hesitated for a moment. “And it’s really good to have him around. He’s a good boy.”
“Boy?” Gus thought he heard a hint of a smile in her voice. “Augustus, he’s twenty-one years old. He’s hardly a boy anymore.”
Gus chuckled. “You’re right. He’s a fine young man.”
For a long moment, neither of them said anything. Gus wracked his brain, trying to figure out why she’d called him after months—years?—of silence. Finding nothing, and ready to set down his phone so his elbow would stop tingling, Gus opened his mouth to start the inevitably drawn-out process of saying goodbye.
“Well, I’ll—” Gus began.
“Did you—” Victoria stammered.
They both chuckled. “Go on,” Gus prompted, trying not to let his annoyance slip into his tone.
“I just wanted to know if you went to church with him on Sunday? I know he was worried about finding a new parish. I guess I was just hoping you could help him get plugged in with a young adult group somewhere.”
Gus grumbled, then wished he’d had the presence of mind to mute his microphone. “I actually didn’t…” He stumbled over his words. “I don’t really go for that stuff anymore, Vicky. I…” He looked around the bus, noticed that his stop was coming up, and flagged the driver. “I was so busy with prepping for this grand jury that I didn’t even notice whether he left the apartment at all. He’s got his own car, so he kind of comes and goes as he pleases.”
Gus felt the flood of words coming, pressure building behind his lips, and he willed it to stop, knowing as he did that it was futile. “But, honestly Victoria, you said it yourself, he’s a grown man. You can’t expect him to putting up with that nonsense when you’re not there to get on his ass about it. Let the kid live a little.”
He didn’t know why he said it—truly, he didn’t. There was something about Victoria that brought out the worst in him, that led him hurtling into every predictable, preventable train wreck in every single conversation. She was exhausting, and he didn’t know how not to be horrible to her.
Her next words were faltering, obviously spoken through choked-back tears. “I understand perfectly, Augustus. Please forgive me for considering the spiritual welfare of our only child.”
He rolled his eyes. Always with the stupid guilt trips. Would this ever end?
“I’m just saying, woman, you don’t have to police his attendance record from halfway across the country! Let him make his own decisions every now and then. If it’s important to him, he’ll make time for it, and if it’s not, your nagging isn’t going to be what changes his mind. He’ll meet a cute girl, and then he’ll suddenly care again.”
He wanted to add, ‘Ask me how I know.’
“Point taken.” Her voice had gone ice cold. “Goodbye.”
She hung up. Gus, stepping off the bus, felt his heart pounding in his chest, and was that lump in his throat a precursor to tears? Really? He hadn’t cried about Victoria in over a decade. What was this bullshit?
Gus slapped his cheeks a couple of times—not hard enough to leave a red spot; just enough to rouse himself from whatever nostalgic funk his subconscious wanted him in—before checking Theo’s location. Still at the apartment. Perfect. They could drive to dinner together. It’d be easier than taking another bus.
As Gus unlocked the door, he debated whether or not to tell Theodore that his mother had called, let alone that she had asked for a report on his movements. On the one hand, the boy deserved to know he was being surveilled; on the other, Gus had enough awareness to recognize spite in himself when he saw it. He decided to give it a couple of days before saying anything.
Theo was waiting on the couch when the door opened, all smiles, light practically radiating from his face. It was good to see him so happy.
“Good day at work, then?” Gus asked, unable to hide his own smile.
“Such a good day, dad! You wouldn’t believe it.”
“Want to tell me about it over drinks? We’ve got a couple great breweries nearby. Dinner’s on me.” He paused, still grinning. There were years of his life that he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to say those words.
“That sounds great, dad. Thanks.” Theo grabbed his keys, and together they walked out to the car. Gus picked the venue he thought Theo would like best and pulled up directions.
As they pulled out into the street, Theo started gushing again, as if he couldn’t stop the overflow of excitement in his head. “So today was my first day doing actual work, you know? It’s been mostly onboarding and stuff the last couple of days, but I got to work with the actual simulators today, and holy cow, dad, you wouldn’t believe the detail on these things. It’s incredible.”
Simulators. The word pricked something in Gus’ brain, something he couldn’t place for a moment. That’s right. Theo was working at the McNeill Institute. The same simulators his son was learning to operate had been used to commit horrible atrocities by the very people Gus had spent the day with. He felt something within himself shift. Harden.
“Oh yeah?” He didn’t want Theo to notice anything. It wouldn’t do to put himself in a position to be dodging questions. “What kind of stuff do they have you doing with the simulator? What even is a simulator?” he added, feigning ignorance.
They walked into the restaurant and placed their orders before finding a table. Theo picked up as if no time had passed. “It’s so cool. Did you ever watch Star Trek as a kid? It’s the closest thing to the holodeck I’ve ever seen. They can reach into your brain and pinpoint specific memories and then recreate the scene so that you can relive it and make a different choice, and obviously it’s not real life, and you know it’s not real life, and anything that happens after you make a different choice is just speculation, but some people find it really comforting for trying to find closure on relationships that have ended, or people who have died, or just tricky situations in general, to have the chance to go back and say the thing that’s been on their heart for so many years, you know?”
Gus hadn’t seen such unadulterated excitement in years, since… well, probably since Theo was little, if he was being honest with himself. It was refreshing.
“Or, like, if a doctor is having trouble reading a patient’s imaging results, they can upload the files to the simulator and have these super high-res, interactive versions of the images that they can work with. They can input patient data and run simulations of how different conditions might respond to different kinds of treatment. They can be used for research studies and scans. They can…” He stopped, looking around the room with a miles-wide grin. “It’s the coolest thing I’ve literally ever seen. I am so. glad. that I took this internship. This is what I want to do with my life.”
Gus’ enthusiasm waned, and he forced himself to stifle a skeptical laugh. Four days in, and he was already committing his life to these people? Pledging his undying allegiance? Oh, to be young.
“Today, they just had me practicing with old patient records and even a couple of fake patients they’ve put together over the years. Just to help me master the skill set, you know? Make sure I know what all the buttons do and that kind of thing. But I think I only have a couple of days of practice, and then they’ll have me analyzing records and inputting data for the clinical trials they’re running, and if I play my cards right, I might even get a patient or two that I’m assigned to for the rest of the semester, as long as they have someone come in with a fairly short-term treatment plan.”
The waiter brought their food to their table, and Theo paused to silently cross himself and mutter something under his breath. Gus took the moment of silence to check his phone briefly before tucking it into his bag. No messages from work.
“So anyway,” Theo continued hesitantly, “it’s just been a really great day.”
Gus nodded, smiling on the outside as his fists clenched under the table. He would fix this broken, shitty place. For his boy, if for no one else.
If you enjoyed this chapter, please consider dropping a couple quarters in my digital typewriter case!
You’re reading What I Have Failed To Do, a serialized first-draft from Sara Dietz at Blinking Blue Line. If you’re new ‘round these parts, welcome! If you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, I’d love to have you stick around.
And if you’re in the mood for your next favorite story, check out my crime/medical thriller, Remembrance, or my fantasy-quest serialized novella, The Ravenswing Report.
Gus. Buddy. This is *not* the Way.
this was so sad to read!! 😭 but so real!!